No, not the detergent. How could you become involved in a faux pas with a washing up liquid? Answers on a postcard children please.
No what I'm on about are fairytales. Fairytales really, really annoy me which is an unfortunate state of affairs because I also love them dearly. It's just that sometimes they require such massive leaps in logic that it hurts. And as someone normally impervious to logic you know it's got to be a huge problem before I'll take issue with it.
Mainly it's the kids that I worry about, these stories and their fibs are being perpetuated by generation after generation. Well they never did any harm to me I tell myself, and then I wonder if my capabilities for logical thought may have been better without hours of erosion listening to improbable tales of heroic princes and girls in unsuitable footwear.
Hmm, lets take a look at seven of the worst offenders shall we?
- Cinderella: Firstly why glass shoes, surely they can't be safe? Also said shoes easily slip off while running, this is quite obviously a health hazard. Take it from me, splinters hurt.
Why don't the shoes turn back to whatever they were originally at midnight? Flawed you see?
If the Prince knows what she looks like why does he get every girl in the kingdom to try the bloody shoe on? Surely he'd have saved himself a hell of a lot of time and money if he just went out looking for her?
Surely at least one other girl in the kingdom would be a size six or whatever she was. Tsk at the silly thinking.
- Hansel and Gretel: Why would the witch want to eat children when her house is made of sweets, cakes and biscuits? I mean - GET REAL! Any woman would rather eat cake!
- Little Red Riding Hood: How come Little Red Riding Hood doesn't twig that it's not her Grandma in the bed? Frankly people that thick deserve what they've got coming to them.
- Goldielocks and The Three Bears: Bears, wearing clothes and living in houses with furniture and curtains. They have NO THUMBS!
- Snow White: So she moves in with seven dwarves and becomes a cleaner (don't tell me that you don't find that whole set up just a little bit creepy).
Come on! I know of no princess who would happily tidy up without fuss.
- The Boy Who Cried Wolf*: Surely he wouldn't be shouting 'wolf wolf' if it was trying to eat him. Instead I see the exchange going more along the lines of... 'Fucking! Hell! Get! The! Hell! Off! Of! Me! Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'.
- Jack and the Beanstalk: Why go back up once you've got the goose that lays golden eggs? That's just pure greed that is.
He chops down the beanstalk at the end. Committing murder and destroying a rare magical plant in the process. Someone should have got the Police and Green Peace onto him or at the very least he should have had to deal with some angry horticulturalists.
There we are, logical loopyness I hope you'll agree. At the very least there's a lack of common sense involved. So the next time you go to read that bedtime story to the little'un's just think about what you are doing won't you?**
*Yes I know it's technically a fable, not a fairy tale but bear with me here.
** Credit or blame for this post is shared with the two Samanthas. Ladies, thank you for making me laugh.