Saturday, August 12, 2006

Fairy Faux Pas.

No, not the detergent. How could you become involved in a faux pas with a washing up liquid? Answers on a postcard children please.

No what I'm on about are fairytales. Fairytales really, really annoy me which is an unfortunate state of affairs because I also love them dearly. It's just that sometimes they require such massive leaps in logic that it hurts. And as someone normally impervious to logic you know it's got to be a huge problem before I'll take issue with it.

Mainly it's the kids that I worry about, these stories and their fibs are being perpetuated by generation after generation. Well they never did any harm to me I tell myself, and then I wonder if my capabilities for logical thought may have been better without hours of erosion listening to improbable tales of heroic princes and girls in unsuitable footwear.

Hmm, lets take a look at seven of the worst offenders shall we?

  • Cinderella: Firstly why glass shoes, surely they can't be safe? Also said shoes easily slip off while running, this is quite obviously a health hazard. Take it from me, splinters hurt.

    Why don't the shoes turn back to whatever they were originally at midnight? Flawed you see?

    If the Prince knows what she looks like why does he get every girl in the kingdom to try the bloody shoe on? Surely he'd have saved himself a hell of a lot of time and money if he just went out looking for her?

    Surely at least one other girl in the kingdom would be a size six or whatever she was. Tsk at the silly thinking.

  • Hansel and Gretel: Why would the witch want to eat children when her house is made of sweets, cakes and biscuits? I mean - GET REAL! Any woman would rather eat cake!
  • Little Red Riding Hood: How come Little Red Riding Hood doesn't twig that it's not her Grandma in the bed? Frankly people that thick deserve what they've got coming to them.
  • Goldielocks and The Three Bears: Bears, wearing clothes and living in houses with furniture and curtains. They have NO THUMBS!
  • Snow White: So she moves in with seven dwarves and becomes a cleaner (don't tell me that you don't find that whole set up just a little bit creepy).
    Come on! I know of no princess who would happily tidy up without fuss.
  • The Boy Who Cried Wolf*: Surely he wouldn't be shouting 'wolf wolf' if it was trying to eat him. Instead I see the exchange going more along the lines of... 'Fucking! Hell! Get! The! Hell! Off! Of! Me! Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'.
  • Jack and the Beanstalk: Why go back up once you've got the goose that lays golden eggs? That's just pure greed that is.

    He chops down the beanstalk at the end. Committing murder and destroying a rare magical plant in the process. Someone should have got the Police and Green Peace onto him or at the very least he should have had to deal with some angry horticulturalists.


There we are, logical loopyness I hope you'll agree. At the very least there's a lack of common sense involved. So the next time you go to read that bedtime story to the little'un's just think about what you are doing won't you?**


*Yes I know it's technically a fable, not a fairy tale but bear with me here.

** Credit or blame for this post is shared with the two Samanthas. Ladies, thank you for making me laugh.


flamagated_binchvoyd said...

i cant believe you went and wrote it into a blog! you little moon you! (cant say star, beacuse the other samantha is a little star, ha see what i did there? oh you dont have to laugh just smile).

why would the turtle care if the hair or rabbit beats it in a race? it wins the race of life by a few years.

Billy said...

Excellent Heather. The Bears used to bother me when I was young. And I'm sure the Giant of Beanstalk fame was ok really, Jack always annoyed me. However...

*adopts nasal trainspotter-ish tone* the glass slipper from Cinderella was actually fur, it's a mistranslation. Apparently.

Jules said...

Oh dear, that did cheer my Sunday morning up Heather, thanks! :D

Jools said...

I always thought the glass slipper was a foot fetishes dream...shows something about my state of mind really doesn't it! In actual fact most faerie tales are all a bit pervy aren't they? I mean a woman with 7 dwarves? Imagine the larks ;)

p.s. Am I now fratenising with the enemy?

Billy said...

Jools, you're actually thinking along the right lines.

Cinderella's feet are the best simply because they are the smallest (and of course Cinderella originally came from China, the home of foot-binding) and a lot of emphasis is placed on this.

In one versions, one of her sisters actually cuts off one of her toes so her foot fits into the slipper. Ouch!

{Minion} said...

If you lived in a house made of cake chocolate etc, yes great...first day is heaven, second not so...eventually you'll just be so sick of it that a little bit of flesh would be all you wanted...

skeadugenga said...

As Billy has already pointed out, the stories we have are the bowdlerised Victorian/Disney versions of cautionary, although admittedly still fantastical, tales which are a lot bloodier and truer to life. Tell the little 'uns the originals as a bedtime story and you'd get no sleep at all and a visit from social services..

Jools said...

*slightly perturbed at Billy's mention of all things foot related...* runs away screaming...foot fetishist, foot fetishist...try saying that on a bottle of grenache!

Billy said...

It's not my fault they're all obsessed with feet, I'm certainly not.

realdoc said...

In the original Cinderella the ugly sisters hacked off their feet to fit in the glass slippers. Think cosmetic surgery and that's bang up to date. I read a lot of original fairy tales (being inspired by Angela Carter) and quite frankly they scared the shit out of me.
If you're talking about Red Riding Hood Mr Shakespeare had a lot of people not being recognised because they'd changed their hat or something so maybe she wasn't so thick.

flamagated_binchvoyd said...

yes china is the home of foot binding BUT doesnt that give more evidence to the fact more ladies would be able to fit into the shoe.

when it comes to fairytales i think roald dahl wrote them the best.

baggiebird said...

I actually have a copy of Grimm's fairytales somewhere and the version of Cinderalla they wrote did indeed have one sister cutting off her toe and the other cutting off her heel so their feet would fit into the shoes. My memory is a little hazy but I think they came to a rather sticky end

e4c5 said...

I think you are thinking entiredly too much about these fairy tales. I'm not sure that's what the authors had in mind when they wrote them. It is hilarious, though.

POE said...

Yay, someone else got there before me so I can be all nonchalant & pretend that I didn't immediately want to comment on 4/5 of the stories!

Have to say, the 'original' stories a les Brothers Grimm are very disappointing when you're used to our ones. Lots of pointlessness to the plots. Ours with their strong moral values are much more fulfilling!

Heather said...

Oooh lots of comments. Firstly can I just say that this was supposed to be a humorous look at fairytales and I know a lot of the backgrounds to them explain their silliness, but it's more fun my way.

Secondly, fur slippers? Why that's almost as stupid as glass.

Thirdly, I prefer the fairytales to have a bit of gore and violence, it makes them more exciting.

Finally, yes FB I did put it in a post!

Little Star said...

Wahey Heather! So you actually put it in your blog! Sorry it's taken me all this time to get round to reading it and commenting but here I am! Oh I'm loving it! Thankies!!!